Saturday, January 16, 2010
I had lost my parents quite early. As a result of their demise, I always had to work doubly hard in order to fulfill my emotional needs from other relationships. In the process, I have learnt how valuable the word “relationship” is and how it helps one exist and excel in life.
That’s why, when India’s one of the leading matrimonial portals approached me to enhance the site’s creative components, I became really bullish about the scope of work with them. In fact, it took me only 5mins to give them my positive nod.
Besides the mandatory match-making service and solution, the portal has also got a counselling cell. Wherein they provide site members with pre as well as post marriage psycho-solution to help people get stable on mind in nuptial relationships.
Following is an article, which I have created for the portal, facilitating them to convey the nuances of a (matrimonial) relationship in the most simplistic way.
I have used “five fingers” as the metaphor to describe the different stages or phases of a marriage or nuptial knot because in a marriage holding hands is quite symbolic and those are fingers only that help one hold anything.
I have given the title “Five Fingers – The Marriage Made Easy” to the article and do hope that you enjoy it.
First Finger Phase – by Little Finger
This phase is the pre-marriage period. Precisely when love, courtship, negotiation, etc. take place. In this phase, mind or emotional equilibrium remains at a very dubious, vacillating, tender, and touchy stage. At the drop of a hat, it seems anger, frustration, disbelief, etc. settle on one's nose, entailing avoidance, dissonance or may be even a pre-mature break up.
Hence, open communications, absolute transparency, presenting one’s original or true self, etc. are a few factors... imperative in this phase. If it’s not done in this phase then in the later phases there is every possibility that things will turn ugly and bitter up to an irreparable and injurious extent.
The major lacuna, which generally occurs in this phase, is a partner’s trials or efforts to impress the other partner, mostly by concealing the truth. This is dangerous, since once the sugarcoat gets off… the love or emotion pill tastes like quinine.
Second Finger Phase – by Ring Finger
This phase is the honeymoon period of a matrimonial relationship. In this phase, everything is hunky-dory and euphoric, and life seems to be nothing but a utopia.
Unfortunately, in more than 90% of cases, this phase gets over at a rapid speed.
In this phase, sex, promises, commitment, dedication, etc. are the prime factors that hold the key.
The major shortcoming in this phase is the constant rose glasses on eyes. Thereby getting too much bogged down into myopic activities, as if there is no tomorrow. And when tomorrow arrives with its all turbulent spins and whirls, the lovey-dovey partners succumb to the future pretty haplessly and hopelessly, calling their short-sightedness and unplanned steps as destiny or (bad) luck.
Third Finger Phase – by Middle Finger
This phase in a marriage is really very critical and painful too. In this stage, both the partners begin to care a damn for the other. One’s mid-finger remains always up for his / her better-half. So, this phase can also be termed as “fuck phase or FYI”.
Actually, bloated ego, false pride, professional pressure, unnecessary lies, ex-matri interest and exploration, unwanted familial and societal intrusion, etc. are the evil factors that generally do the massacre into love and emotion in this phase.
Steel in character, high-degree of patience, perseverance, self-belief and brutal honesty are the spices very much required in this phase to save the dish of marriage from turning bland here.
The major pitfalls in this phase are getting carried away by others’ suggestion, allowing own mind to stop functioning, over reacting, taking self-pity, trying to get short-term solutions of problems in hand without addressing or looking into the crux of the problems, etc.
Fourth Finger Phase – by Index Finger
This phase is the saddest, the worst, and the sorriest stage that can happen to any marriage. In this phase both the partners simply become enemies to each other. From their actions and reactions; activities and attitude, it seems as if they have never been known to each other and would really be happy if the other dies, immediately and unceremoniously.
In this phase, getting into or indulging in shameless blame game i.e. pointing one’s index finger to the other is so common that often it feels marriage is nothing but the biggest miscarriage of emotions and feelings.
But, it actually is not the case. To save marriage in this phase, or to protect self as well as to guard the hostile partner, the factors that really come handy here are dignified silence, apt and mature interactions, giving away ample space, ignoring petty temptations or provocations, and maintaining a good mental as well as physical health with the help of music, reading, introspection, knowledge-sharing, exercise and meditation.
The loophole – which can also be marked as “manhole” here in this particular phase – is slipping into the muck-full of gutter or into the quicksand with an unhealthy, heinous and inhuman ambition to kill self or the partner.
And frankly, this kind of mental disorder or insanity in one’s thought process is simply against any kind of humanism or humanity, thus deserves only condemn and reprimand.
Fifth Finger Phase – by Thumb
This phase is the most satisfying, rewarding and happy stage that one can enjoy minus any worry at all in his / her marriage.
In this phase, every negative emotion or feeling either subsides or evaporates forever. Only maturity prevails then, and the real meaning of companionship surfaces under the full moon of love, care, affection, concern and all other self-less and very positive thoughts and emotions.
[If you are an Indian and / or understand Hindi, please refer to the song “Tere bina zindagi se koi shikwa to nahi...” from the movie “Andhi” to relate to this phase like anything.]
The key factors in this phase are self-actulisation, gaining maturity, knowing how to check in temper and chew in words, and understanding the fact that love is strength but not weakness and, last but not least, compatibility is a “workable ability” that never ever comes to one on a platter by sheer magic. Instead, this ability can only be honed when both the partners understand and realise that no more they are two separate identities rather have become an “integrated or compact identity” for life.
Just the reason, I would like to decipher the word compatibility as “the ability to act, achieve, accomplish, and actualise being a compact unit, together.”
The major roadblock in this phase is feeling bad or lamenting on the time, energy, emotion and money lost in the third phase and the fourth phase. It’s not needed at all. Rather, in this stage one must embrace and enjoy the treasure of happiness and contentment of being together – that has never been so enriching in any other phases in his / her marriage.
In case, you too are suffering from any disorder in your matri-relationship, feel free to go and visit a good counsellor for help. Getting psychological help doesn’t mean that you are a psycho-patient or mad. So, open your mind before you open your eyes… to see and foresee the real sun of happiness, everyday!